Hidden

The magazine I saw in the garage that day seemed to usher me into a new realm of experience. I was now tuned in to sexuality. Encountering pornography over the next decade would slowly and progressively consume more of my thought life. The emotional and mental cost beyond measure.

I could not sense the harmful addictive behaviors taking shape inside of my mind. I would give no indication to the outside world  that something unwanted was taking root inside.

It’s important to know that my childhood years began well before iPhones and personal computers were constantly connected to our fingers. YouTube didn’t exist. Internet connectivity wasn’t a concept I – or anyone – well understood. Our computer was used for budgeting and educational games, not for consuming endless feeds of media.

Finding more sexual content hidden in my relative’s house became a treasure hunt for me. I would arrive, look for opportunities to disappear from socializing and explore. I learned how to think like a person who hides things. Where are the places that no one thinks to look?

On one visit, I found a VHS tape above the HVAC ducts in the basement, within reach for an adult but pushed just out of view. I felt like I hit the jackpot with my discovery. Proud of myself for finding something that was expertly hidden. Ashamed that I would devote so much of my energy to the hunt. But the curiosity of what was on that video tape was exhilarating. Almost too much to contain.

I had to plan a way to watch the video, but that required some logistics, including waiting for the right time when no one was around. My mind got to work. Since we were staying overnight there, I would stay up past bedtime, much later than everyone else. When they were all asleep, I’d fetch the tape from its hidden place, put it into the great room VHS player and finally see what my curiously eagerly anticipated. I didn’t understand then that the risk of being caught escalated the intensity of the experience.

I was instantly entranced by the graphic sexual scenes I saw on the TV screen. I kept a keen eye on every entry way a late night wanderer could walk through to catch me. I felt the exact feelings I had in the garage experience before: my heart was pumping rapidly, an overwhelming rush of pleasure and adrenaline in every part of my body. No other experience felt quite like this.

But somewhere inside I knew something was off about what I had seen. After I watched the tape, I returned it to its hiding place, careful to cover my tracks. A heaviness came over me. Something was deeply wrong. It was hidden for a reason, after all.

Boys naturally become more curious and interested in sex as they mature into young men. I believe it is an innocent and natural thing. Sadly, I carried my early exposure to pornography into those formidable years. My innocent and natural boyhood curiosity was slimed with layers of heaviness, guilt and shame.