Secret

I was at my relative’s house that day. This relative was babysitting me. For a while my relative was pre-occupied with work, so I went off to explore the house. I didn’t spend much time there, so there was something interesting around each corner. I eventually made my way to the garage.

Sunlight poured into the room from the windows opposite the garage doors. Along the adjacent wall, a storage shelf organized various boxes and containers. On the floor was a sea of more boxes and containers.

As I looked at the shelf from a distance, I spotted what looked like a magazine tucked in between boxes on the shelf, exactly at my eye level. Out of innocent curiosity, I navigated through the maze of boxes on the floor toward the shelf to pull the magazine from the shelf. I opened it up to see graphic female nudity on every page. I was astonished and confused by what I saw. My heart pumped and my adrenaline raced as I flipped through the pages. The wiring inside of my little mind was rearranged. I was eight years old.

I have replayed and analyzed this childhood moment thousands of times. I see it as a significant milestone in my life. Recently I realized something seemingly small in the moment that I had previously overlooked.

I was alone.

No one was there with me in my shocking discovery. This created a problem that my 8-year-old mind could not comprehend: what are these thoughts and feelings? What do I do with this experience?

Subconsciously, shame crept in to my mind. I was embarrassed that the content I saw made me feel different inside. I was humiliated knowing that I kept inspecting the magazine for minutes, even though I felt a sense of conviction to stop.

I felt like I had done something deeply wrong. And that something must be deeply wrong with me. I kept this experience and my feelings to myself. I told no one.

Over the years, I would feel compelled to go on a secret treasure hunt every time I went to my relative’s house. Instinctively I was convinced I would find this magazine again. Or maybe something new.

And I found what I was looking for.